My last days

I'm a musician living in Berlin, and I'm creating this blog at a not good moment of my life. I just want to share and put it out.
Who expect that I'll talk about music, actually I won't. It's about the life what I will write.
Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I don't feel alive. I really know that all is my fault, and I could be better for her. Actually is not only her who I disappointed.
I almost lost a friend, and I disappointed my family as well.
To be a problem for everyone is not nice, there is a bitter taste.
I'm someone who you wouldn't like to know, or meet.
I really don't see some exit in my life. I'm studying and living where I always dreamed about, but only it doesn't make me happy.
I feel lonely and sad all the time here, I don't have friends, and I have many financial problems.
Yeah, I know, sounds not so bad for some people, and for another sounds quite bad. But the true is that I really don't have wish to live.
I just lost the only one person who really loved me, because of me, because I'm the problem. I'm a garbage, I know that.
I tried to kill myself, with Nembutal. I tried to buy on internet, but is not easy to buy in Germany, and when I talked by email with the sellers, they told me about pay by MoneyGram or Western Union. But I thought a lot, and I thought that they gonna cheat me. It's not sure that Nembutal would arrive to me. To risk 390 Euros to buy something, and it doesn't arrive, well I don't have money enough to risk.
Nembutal was my wish because this medicament kill you around 20 minutes, and you feel like you're going to sleep. I wouldn't feel pain, at least at this moment.
And another problem I thought about, how could my body arrive to my Homeland? My parents would need to pay a lot to transport my body till my country. Then I didn't want to give more problems for them.
I could resolve the problem of everyone disappearing from this world.
It's not the first time that I thought about kill myself. Before I thought many times, but I thought about the hell, and I wouldn't want to go. I believe in God, and I know that is not right to take away my own life. But now I'm so sad that I don't care anymore about it.
I deleted my Facebook, I deleted my WhatsApp, and no one asked me why. I know that I don't make any difference in the life of anyone. It's fine.

Always I remember of a scene when we were at her apartment, and she changed our tooth brushes, because was too old. And she kissed me because we had the same kind but different colors. She was so full of happiness, and that kiss was so real and truth.
I listen some music, and I start to remember our time together, and see how I destroyed all. All this kill me so much.
To look at her and see how she said that didn't want me anymore, was so hard.
But she deserves the best, and I know that I can't give it.
I really want to say her: thank you for all this time together, to forgive me many times, to make me happy, to love me.
Without you, I'm just this piece of meat, dirty.
I love you forever!